Are You With A Controller - Page 2
Patricia Jones, M.A.
If you feel you are in a relationship with a Controller and need help or advice to take back control of your life, then please do not hesitate to email or call me via the instructions below.
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12. It’s Never Enough: A Controller convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, you cost them too much money, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. In fact, even when you make the changes that they are demanding such as losing weight, cutting your hair or letting it grow long, dropping that friend or family member, etc. they will just find something else wrong with you. You could turn "yourself into a pretzel and swing from a chandelier" if they asked you to, and STILL it would not be good enough.This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you and that no one else would want you.
13. Entitlement: A Controller has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. They are completely self-absorbed, narcissistic, and arrogant. Their anger at others for perceived injustices will one day be used against you also. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, or dare to disagree with them, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit. They treat you like a child and they are the parent.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what a Controller is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. A Controller will tell you they are jealous of the “special love” you have, and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them, eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. A Controller will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to, even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
15. Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. A Controller tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and, in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts, because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the “I don’t take nothing from nobody” attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
16. The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time a Controller has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap, you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment, that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
17. The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. A Controller may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit - you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there.
A Controller may actually brag about their reputation as a “butt kicker," “womanizer," “hot temper,” or “being crazy.” They may tell you stories where other’s have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, a Controller will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with Controllers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of a Controller, it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with a Controller continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself “walking on eggshells” in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of a Controller. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone, exactly what a Controller wants, no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions: A Controller is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. A Controller has no interest in your opinion or your feelings, but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. A Controller is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You “Crazy”: A Controller operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing “crazy” things in self-defense. If a Controller is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm, you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say.
Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female Controllers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are “going crazy,” it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as “normal behavior” in a combat situation. In other words, a controller will bring out the absolute worst behavior in you. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from a Controller before permanent psychological damage is done.
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