Profile Of An Abuser (Continued)
Patricia Jones, M.A.
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Stages and Cycles of Abuse:
First Stage:
The abuser becomes overly attached to his wife or girlfriend. This is because he only feels 'whole' within an intimate relationship, because he has no sense of 'self'. When he feels this extreme attachment he begins to fear his need for her. So, to not feel the fear of being abandoned and to try and regain any kind of sense of self, he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (in his mind). I have heard this likened to 'playing the bitch tape'. This is when his thoughts and reasoning start to convince himself that she is 'bad' - she is a whore, not to be trusted, she doesn't care about him, the kids, or the house, she doesn't take care of him, etc. whatever negative trait he can think up he will ascribe to his wife/GF.
Second Stage:
After awhile he breaks out in a rage: this usually begins with verbal insults and attacks, throwing things, slamming doors, yelling, screaming, and threatening her, which then escalates to physically hitting her, punching her, throwing her into walls, down stairs, holding her down on the ground, trying to choke her, threatening her with knives, guns, etc. - this is the rage release, the tension release where he releases his need of her, his fear of abandonment, his feelings of unworthiness, shame, and of being a failure. This is where he lets all of his anger at his parents out, but instead directs it at her. He has vented his internal rage, externally at her. He now feels strangely calm and at peace.
There are four reasons that he does this.
1.) He needs to vent his inner raging turmoil in order to feel good once again. There is this tension that builds and builds inside of him, and as it builds he looks for reasons to get mad at his wife/GF so that he can vent this rage. This usually happens when everything is going well between them. The wife/GF is just beginning to feel safe again, happy again, and she is even beginning to think that maybe she mis-read his last anger episode and so she lets her guard down. Then WHAMO, out of nowhere, he flares up, at the littlelist of things, or sometimes at NOTHING, and he will pick a fight so he can vent his building anger.
2.) He fears losing his wife more than anything in the world and this fear makes him intensely angry. The more he fears it the more angry he gets - he fears his own vulnerability to her, and his helpless need of her. Anger is just masked fear. Anger is just frustration at not being able to control a certain outcome - anger is, in itself, the fear of being out of control. Because he could not control anything or anyone in his childhood, he is determined to have complete control and power over his wife/GF.
3.) The more he feels needy of his wife, the more he depends on her, and the more likely he feels the need to end this dependence on her. He swings back and forth like a pendulum between needing her and not needing her. His anger can actually push her away from him, and him away from her. Once he succeeds in pushing her away by his violence and hateful attitude, he feels relief because he does not care if she leaves or not.
4.) He has observed from his childhood experiences that an overpowing, authoritative, controlling abusive attitude gets you what you want. The role model he had for what men are supposed to be like was his abusive, overbearing, abusive, controlling, full of rage, angry father. And many times he has seen his father beat and abuse his mother. His father proved to him at a very early impressionable age that anger and rage puts one in 'control'.
Third Stage:
Once he vents and rages on his wife, just as when a thunderstorm is over, he calms down, feels peaceful, and he now realizes how very important she really is to him. Then he realizes he has done wrong and may 'lose her'. So, now comes the apologetic stage where he is docile, servile, ashamed, and sorry. Now his wife again enters the Madonna phase - the Good wife phase, he is on his knees to her. He will bring her gifts, he will cry, he will promise to never treat her badly or hit her again, he will promise to get counseling, he will pledge his undying love to her, he will tell her that he will never harm her again. And the wife, who was ready to press charges, melts, and promises to give him "one more chance."
Fourth Stage:
His loving wife returns, feeling safe for a while. She forgives him. Things are, again, wonderful. The relationship is great. Everything is running smoothly. Life has never been better. She refuses help from family and friends and makes them promise to keep the abuse a secret. She defends him, makes excuses for him, covers up her bruises. And if she was going to press charges, she drops them, to the chagrin of the police, and convinces herself that it will never happen again. But ... she is wrong. It not only happens again, but gets worse and more dangerous with each passing cycle of abuse. And one day, she realizes that she could be killed by him and her children along with her. Because the truth is that these types of men do not get better without years of intensive and consistant counseling and without counseling their anger level rises so that her very life is at stake. It really is a NO WIN situation for the wife/GF.
and so begins... The crazy cycle all over again.
Stage One:
He gets just so close to her and then he starts the 'fear' of needing her too much, the fear of being abandoned by her. The fear of being exposed as the shameful person he believes he is by the intimacy of being 'known' by her. He feels vulnerable to this 'power' she holds over him.
So, he starts again with the 'projecting' his perceived 'badness' onto her. He doesn't want to feel vulnerable to her love. He starts to place his own faults onto her - this way he takes the blame away from himself and avoids taking direct responsibility for his pain, upset, imposed feelings of being threatened, or helpless - and he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (he runs the 'bitch tape').
He may deny his own sexual longings and desires - and projects these sexual needs and impulses onto his wife - making her out to be a wanton whore. When the abuser can't acknowledge that anything is his fault he redirects the blame to his wife. She can now do nothing right - she is the Bad Wife. And he again builds up in anger and contempt at this woman - until ...he reaches again the 'rage' stage where he releases, where he vents. And the tension is gone, and then...back to Stage Two. And so forth, and so on...Over and over and over, again.
Unfortunately, these types of men need years and years of therapy to deprogram them from their childhood abuse. And many of them never get counseling and refuse to get counseling.
Any woman involved with a man like this needs to realize that she CANNOT FIX him and could die trying. She should not waste years of her life or the lives of her children trying to become whatever this man is saying she needs to be. Because, he sees ALL women as either GOOD or BAD and he alternates between his view of them almost daily.
You cannot be his TARGET for his inability to see women correctly because he was damaged years before you met him and his view of women is completely distorted. Thus, he will treat ANY woman this way, not just you. And he will treat the next woman he becomes involved with after you are long gone the same way that he treated you.
The Cycle Of Abuse
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